Time's Ticking Slowly

Granddad

As time ticks away i'm getting worse with each day,
Condition deteriorates, there's not much left to say,
My minds made up so whats the deal with the delay?
Turn off the life support and just let me fade away,
Can't take another heartache, can't survive another blow,
So please God save me the trouble, can't go on feeling so low,
Eternal journey's destination, sent to hell below, I'll go down smiling,
Because i know thats what i've been praying fo',
No disrespect, but lifes a pain in the neck,
I've crawled round catious corners, never know what to expect,
And now its took effect, i suspect that its my fault,
Maybe i'm pesimistic, but i can't battle through life's assault!
I'm tired now, i was young once and i had dreams,
But soon they turned to nightmares, can't achieve them now it seems,
My silent screams aren't enough to drown my sorrows,
They tell me if i struggle through today, i'll come up trumps tomorrow,
But i say no, because i feel i've been lightning struck,
Won't give this world another chance; i've got my mind made up!

God

I know you've had a troubled life, but that cannot be changed,
Its not like everything you did had all been pre-arranged,
Lifes made for you to lead, and in the end its down to you,
But take one look at all you had, all that you've struggled through!
Why give up now? why lose it all? why not fight for better days?
You get out of life what you put in, why not try to find a way?
If you go now you'll never get to see your daughter grow,
To see her lead a happy life, to watch endless smiles unfold,
To see your son pass his exams, in the final year at school,
To be reminded everyday, that somebody still loves this old fool!
To seize the moment, capture laughter, hold it dear to your heart,
But then, who am i to judge you,i don't decide the end..only the start.

I thought this was excellent. I really liked the use of a two point perspective, very refreshing to hear two sides to an argument. It handled the topic beutifully, with excellent use of vocabulary, and a stunning finishing line. The flow was good, and aided the general brilliance of the piece. I can't really think of anything that could aid you in getting better. Very nicely written piece.

If possible, could you give my open mic some feedback? I'd really appreciate it.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...63#post1289263

hey thanks for that amazing reply! appriciated more than you know!

God verse was very nice, Grandad one was alright - flow seemed a little stuttery in the first verse but was on point in second - closer was dope - one thing I was wondering was you're talking about a Grandad so wouldn't his kids already be grown? - unless by "son" and "daughter" you meant "grandson", etc. - nice concept - keep writing - hit my Breathless if you can