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Lived the life of King
Put his heart out with dreams
God will protect his achievements
Never be forgotten
Had ambition and passion
They expected his weakness
But he managed to survived
felt like he don't belong in the world
but stayed strong
fighting battles but was an angle
Nobody knew about what you going through but me
We were close friends
Stood by each other
Lived the life of King who did? was it 'He'? You may want to write that.
Put his heart out with dreams Nice line Boss lady.
God will protect his achievements Not sure about this line. I like the God will protect bit, just not sure about the 'his achievements'.
My mind goes straight to achievements here lol and awards. And I'm not so sure about God protecting these. I know what you mean though, but
the imagery gets a bit muddled because I've got no idea what sort of achievements you're talking about, so the mind wonders about that.
Never be forgotten ok
Had ambition and passion See, we're just getting a whole stack of descriptive lines, that don't really flow with the other lines imo. They seem like
they're just descriptions floating in thin air. In one way it works, becuase it becomes a bit abstract in with its simplicity. Although, for me, I'd prefer it joins and the seams aren't so obvious. It's quite abrupt because of the A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J lines. If you know what I mean.
They expected his weakness Who is they? And what was his weakness? His sickness?
But he managed to survived managed to ...survive...no d.
felt like he don't belong in the world He felt like he didn't belong in the world
but stayed strong ok
fighting battles but was an angle angle or angel?
Nobody knew about what you going through but me Now you're talking directly to 'him'. By using the word 'you' you've changed it up.
We were close friends Nice
Stood by each otherWe? ....stood by each other?
Ok, Boss lady, you've done well here to describe the love you feel for this man.
I just wish you could join your lines in a way that makes the read
more fluid and not so abrupt.
Also, get a little more into his or your own mindset instead of just telling us the core issues.
I'd like you to dig a little deeper and bring out emotion that's not so one dimensional.
Give us something a little more personal. Something a little more sacred.
Something private.
Share your inner feelings, not just the ones on the surface.
It's that inner thing we hide, that others write, that we secretly connect to.
But you're getting better at writing emotions Boss lady.
You're exploring a little more and giving us more than you have in the past.
Just dig a bit deeper.
Thank you.
thanks for the feedback!
Boss lady, you always say 'thanks for the feedback!' but I wonder if you take the time to digest the feedback?Quote:
Originally Posted by Boss lady
Please take the time in this piece, and in the other one you dropped, to go back over the feedback people have
left you, and let it really sink in. Take the time to understand what it is people are saying, because it will
make your written pieces better. 'Understanding the feedback' is more important than 'the feedback'.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope you actually go back over your feed,
and try to implement it, in your next piece.
The first two lines almost made me think you were talkin bout Dr. Martin Luther King, but nahhhh you said you were close to the person.
And I know the culture in Brooklyn is different cause I listen to a lot of Staten Island/Brooklyn/Queensbridge rappers so I know you'll hear somebody be referred to as King, or God.
Regardless, I think this is a good way for you to vent whatever you experienced that you talk about in this poem.
I'd give you criticism but you're gonna do what your heart wants you to do at the end of the day.
So I appreciate you sharing this with us all.
R.I.P to the King.
I see where you getting at, I appreciate everyone feedbacks & remember them
thanks for reading OG