Mr. Monkey

Mr. Monkey

quietly, at first, softly whispering
I hear him calling me
my mind, shoving it back into the dark corners,
like memories of a child's misery
he slowly, yet defiantly begins to tug at me
the whisper, becoming a spoken suggestion
curling my soul up into my stomach
like emotional indigestion
and I try to fight it
but fighting it only makes me admit he's there
and with that loss of ground,
my will begins to tear
and now, like a bully sensing intimidation,
he begins to laugh with authority
loudly voicing commands, he stands
grinning at me accordingly
finally, I give in
wide eyes, now sly, sporting my own grin
and begin to cut,
chop chop chop
and roll the bill again
he's not so big now!
just look at him, he's trying to leave!
oh no, my friend, until the end,
you will remain with me!
I laugh and grab his collar,
and yank him on his ass
right here you sit, until I say
and watch me roll this dollar
with all my laughter and ego rush,
I barely even notice
as he sits, cowering under my glory,
he maintains his smirk for the moment

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=141359

uppin for feedback.......................................... .........

this is $pitacular..

decent imagery everything else was okay..
u lost my interest after child's misery then i regained it after u started rolling ur dollar

1

This was ok $pit....maybe try and work on your imagry and emotion a bit more...the emotion in this piece was ok...imagry was a tad lacking I thought...nice to see you broadening your horizons tho :)

peep "Behind the Scenes" in my sig please

Hmmmm....

"chop chop chop
and roll the bill again
he's not so big now!
just look at him, he's trying to leave!
oh no, my friend, until the end,
you will remain with me!"

^^^
Kinda the way this whole thing felt. I wasn't feeling it...I think it was a bad attempt at a poem. I'm not dissing it or you but I am giving you feedback to make you better. There wasn't any structure to this.....your vocab was lacking (simple or not).......there really was no emotion....there were a few parts where I thought you might have wanted some to be there but it didn't turn out the way it should have. I'm not real sure, maybe it was the title, as soon as you read it, it leaves sort of a bad impression with you. I suggest maybe reading some other poems can catch a feel for yours and re write it and make it better. Keep writing though, it's the only way to get better......

thanks for the feedback, but this was a poem I wrote when I first started about 5 years ago LOL

I have other, more accomplished work posted in here (but still from 3 years ago) and I have about 15 published poems. pz

^then post your 'published' pieces instead of your 'lesser' work...

what you think I'm bullshitting? I posted two decent pieces and get no feedback since these kids don't know how to read into shit... the stuff that gets replies is basic, to the point and saturated with emotion. Not all poetry needs to be that way, and I got no feedback hardly on my poem Mistaken (in this forum) which has been published, and IMO is an excellent piece. but whatever.

^relax dood. i just thought it was funny that when illusions said he didnt feel this poem you were all like, well, i have 15 published poems.... ha.

relating to not recieving feedback on the other poem you posted, youre not normally active in this poetry section, and i have not seen you reply to any others, so once you reply to others work they normally return the favor...

I have replied to others, check it for yourself. probley about five poems or six. but yea I will get more active. I just thought it was funy to get so criticised when I'm already published, but hey, not everyone's gonna feel what I write.... Mr Monkey is about a drug problem, and that's how it felt for me. There isn't much emotion in addiction, it's a physical response to a drug, for most people at least.... this poem was trying to capture the moment I broke everytime I went back to the drug, even when I felt I was in control I wasn't... but hey, like I said, beginning piece. Check Mistaken please, and I will return the favor, leave a link.

pz.

^Nobody likes a crybaby, but nonetheless i read your poem so i will give you my opinion...
I think its possible that those before me missed the meaning of this poem which could be responsible for the poor responses. I may be missing some old slang because u sed this is 5 years old but im not sure what the title is supposed to represent. I think the topic was good and i really enjoyed the imagery, but i think elaborating on the imagery would have made a bigger impact. Also i feel like the flow was not really on point, the word usage didnt stand out but it draws no complaints i really just think that the title inferred something that was not there and that the imagery was not powerful enough to make the meaning clear for most, decent drop, stay up im interested in seeing mroe of your work because this one was enticing and you appear to be a very accomplished writer so i would like to see more of your catalogue, 1luv.