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Thread: What we'll dare when the gov. doesn't care

  1. #1
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    Thumbs up What we'll dare when the gov. doesn't care

    This is a really old piece from mine, like from december or so.... comments and all that good shit is welcomed

    Verse 1
    Sweat drips from her forehead, ideaz cross her mind
    Too busy to know whatz happening, lost in time
    Her children lay at home waiting for promised liez
    Her check can barely pay the billz, her promise diez
    She can't stand her children starving, and failing again
    Doesn't have enough money to be calling or mailing a friend
    But she goez home with nothing but a check for a house
    A house barely standing, not even fit for a mouse
    She enterz her apartment, her children left lying
    On an unstable couch inside a building left dying
    Her face fallz apart similiar to a falling vase
    Nothing to enter their mouth but air was an appalling taste
    Their life left unjustified like a stalling case

    Verse 2
    She payz the billz, but is left with a mere twenty
    She prayz for millz, or to be actually near bentlyz
    Her children'z babysitter doesn't accept the cash
    Because she knowz and really respectz her craft
    How hard she workz night and day, just for a half a meal
    And how tearz erupt in her eyez when her kidz laugh for real
    And more tearz rush from her eyez because of her troublez
    Especially when her boyfriend left in the middle of strugglez
    She triez to find a way to elevate for both her and her kidz
    Two sonz and a daughter in a one room house, yet never quitz
    The next day she passes the bank, and beginz to think
    That for problemz to sink is robbing a bank, thatz the link

    Verse 3
    Next week comes by, and she begins thinking a plan
    Gets her saved up money, and does what she can
    Seven hundred dollarz, enough food for monthz
    But instead goez out, to just buy a gun
    She does so, and heads straight for the bank
    Thinkz it'll be good, and thinks shes built like a tank
    Walkz to the banker, focused body yet nervous conscience
    Doesn't wanna live in a locus lobby, none could hurt this, bomb this
    She then shows the gat, aimz at the banker, and blowz her back
    She didn't know the fact, that popos were there, but not in clothez nor hatz
    She had gone in a craze, desperate for her family
    The mayor wouldn't help out this long living tragedy
    In the end, she was shot five timez, and died in an hour
    Her children crippled at the newz, like a dried up flower
    They were sent to the orphanage, and their fate didn't change
    Four, Seven, Eight were children's age range

    Itz sad what people will resort, this situation isn't rare
    Especially when in debt and the goverment doesn't care...

    Posted in "13th Ammendment" by four cats i forgot lol, and "The Power Of Money", by Judge and another cat

  2. #2
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    goddamn people lmfao

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    uppin

  4. #4
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    uppin

  5. #5
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Had some multis but some seemed forced and the vocab overall was kinda simple - Ok job with the storytelling - this is the hardest thing to explain - but it needs that extra something to make people fall into it - cats around here will say "writers voice" - Decent work - keep at it - peace
    Last edited by SMZ; April 7th, 2004 at 01:09 PM

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    Hence Forward

  6. #6
    ...practice makes poetry
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    kinda simplistic in style... very plain rhyme scheme...

    You didn't really stretch anything too much though...

    I think you have some potential... really must work on multiple syllable rhyming and try to make it flow a bit better...

    up your vocab a bit... it's not a big deal but it will get you further...

    otherwise the content was like the flow... simple... it's decent though...

    If you are looking to elevate... you could try out for Intimate... we're looking for some fresh new talent...

    but I think you'll need to show me more... and improve in some areas...
    Hence Forward

  7. #7
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    yea, this was some of mah older works, so yea, it was simple, but i tried to revolve more on a story and shit... i'll show some of mah newer shit, thx for the advice, i'll without a doubt try to make some changes and shit and edit it and shit, definitely ups to both of ya for checkin mah shit

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