Terror In The Streets

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

Johnny 6 feet - Escape
Drama Queen - The Drama Of Infinite Hearts

''This Is A Verse About The Recent And Not So Recent Terrorist Attacks In The Uk, Also I've Recorded This And Put It On My Soundclick''

I Sit Reading Scriptures, Looking At Pictures Of Violence...
Bombings Happening In My Land, Cause Of The Friction Of Tyrants...
Something's Missing From Our Hands.... It's The Grasp Of Peace...
This Terror Will Only Get Worse Now It's Damned The Streets...
It's Mad How A Man Can Treat.... His Body As A Weapon...
To Kill Himself An Others It's Got Me Mad And Stressing...
And Asking Questions... Like Is All This Hurt Worth It...
Is Our World Worthless To Those Hurting The Earth's Surface...
This Hurt's Working.... Turning The Streets Into A Warzone...
From Buses To Cars They're Even Leaving The Stores Blown...
And So The Score's Shown.... In Multiple Body Counts...
The News Shows Footage Of Rescuers Trying To Get The Bodies Out...
Why Does Anybody Doubt.... What These People Can Do?...
Chemical Attacks Will Be Next To Stop Us Eating Our Food...
Now My Feelings Conclude.... How The Whole Nation Feels...
It's Time For The Government To Embrace What's Real...
We Should Make Appeals.... So They Realise Our Pain...
Instead Of Relaxing And Thinking Real Life's A Game...
They Just Like To Blame.... Others Instead Of Themselves...
This Would Stop Altogether If We Were Getting Their Help...
A Progression Of Yells.... Written Down On A Document...
To Banish The Bastards From Society Is What We Want...
They Will Not Be Stopped.... Untill We Take These Measures...
But Until We Do We're Stuck With People Who Enjoy Creating Pressure...

[Johnny 6-feet]

A good ol' fashioned verse with terrorist nutters as the subject matter. Your vocab is doing nothing but elavating along with your imagery man, and that really rbought this piece to life. I don't need to tell you your multi's were dope, because you've gotta know they are! The flow was on point throughout and the piece kept it moving, i could tell this was made for audio.

Keep up with the good stuff, Def Poets baby!

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

Thanks Johnny I Appreciate The Feedback, Upping For More!

[sILLable]

very dope piece...i liked it...imagery was tight...most definately descriptive..emotion was there...your wordplay and vocab were both on point and accented this piece well...very dope drop..i enjoyed this..and check out my piece titled God has a Gun...i just dropped it in OM...id appreciate it.~1`

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

Thanks for the feedback treazon i appreciate you reading it and replying
i'll return the favour now.

[Edicius]

you approached the topic well, your vocab was good .. yet i dont like your rhyme sheme as it is now, you should use more inner rhyming, cause its becoming a ride waiting for the rhyme in this way

....................................beer
....................................here

it bores me, its simplistic its not bad .. but you could up you level more by using more inners, cause it will result in a much smoother flow without a pauze to the rhymes.. so it keeps on going .. i redid ''your'' bar just for an example

the pains unknown but the hurt's working..
...turning the streets into a warzone...
the people moan scared to go home
even busses & cars leaving the stores blown...

like this gives you smoother read thru..
and it shows a more elevated style of writing
but this was not bad, at all.. just try to work on the rhyming points..

stay up

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

Ah I See, i'm gonna try that out in my next rhyme thanks for the feed back, upping for more

[SunSpit]

Very dope drop. Luved da imagery. At first i wasnt gon read it cuz it said Terror On The Streets n i thought dat it was on some hood shit but as soon as i read da first 2 barz i had 2 keep goin. Nice multi's n errything man. U nice. Keep droppin. Honestly hit up da links in my sig 4 me cuz they need serious closure.

[CAMROK]

this was a pretty good drop.. entirely agreed with Edic feedback though, although I would've just said "maybe could've used a different rhyme scheme".. whereas he showed you. lol. I liked it though, definitely portrays a good message to the readers, sheds some light on the past events, and if I get a chance i"ll check the audio. I'm sure thats one of the biggest reasons it was written like this.. keep up.

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

yeah i wrote it to a beat that's why it's in tha scheme i prefer to keep it lik ethat sometimes i include more multies in the verse but it depends on the subject if it's a serious one then i tend not to use too many multies if it's a fuck around i use as many as possible but if you use too many it sounds stupid thanks for the feedback though it's much appreciated

PaRa

[The Vortex]

iz pretty good and well presented.. rhymes was good for the most part... topic was on point tho not exactly intriguing...still had its original parts in the wording, coz wordplay was dope fosho

stay up


rtf-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219929