Awake

[gémeaux]

I stare out my window
At the distant thread of lights
And the familiarity unnerves me;
At the ghostly trees lit by
The synthetic glow of the long hall.
The winter air seeps through,
Chilling the warm string of tears
That nested in my pillow;
Their trek over the rise and fall
Of bare skin shinning in the light,
Leaving a physicality to my anguish.
I stretch, wishing it would disturb you
So you would pull me closer,
Locking us in slumber.
I am reminded
This bed was made for one,
And it’s for this that
I stare so blankly
At the recently familiar,
While the loose ends in my heart
Keep away my sleep.

[Supremecy_03]

ey man u gotta nice peace there i was feelin it keep it up

[aLeXiO]

There is so much feeling in that peice you really have a nack for descriptive writing and that is one of the most hard to earn yet most attractive things about a peice
when people listen to music if something is said that is clever or they can relate to it or they feel how the scripturian feels then that means you make a conection and they show intrest I connected to your words when you said "The synthetic glow of the long hall.
The winter air seeps through" I really liked it
keep it up i feel keen potential

[gémeaux]

Thanks.

[Constance]

I loved this the imagery was on point and vocab was somewhat complex, simple but effective structure,emotion was starting to sew out of my head you took your time o this peace and it payed off,they're were an few wording flaws but nothing major your niceness out shined your mistakes.

[Pilot To Gunner]

I have to admit that your last poem "Crave" left me wanting to read more of your work.. I liked reading this poem alot.. Theres something about the way that you write that just pulls me in.. Maybe because you what you are writting about are very real situations that I can picture vividly.. Somehow I can relate to what you are writting.. Keep it up..

[Inspiration X]

Calm tone, poem held its weight..
at times it felt the message lost water
but your balanced concept intertwined the knots together

Great job...I'll be reading more of your work.

[Soule]

The Wording was nice, glow was meh; but its a poem so who care's. The Imagenation and Creativty was nice and the Structre was basic-nice. Keep up the good work my child, you'r doing well.

~Bell.

[gémeaux]

Keep up the good work my child, you'r doing well.

Ummm, my child? I'm 5 years older than you, haha.

[P. Mortuus]

^He's on a saw syndrome...but yeah this piece was fluid and descriptive. I liked the description of every line really and it was interesting. Plus i found it to be a lil short which is all good but leaves the reader wanting a better closure. However, overall, this was a good, short, piece. Nothing much i can take away from it, carry on striving, Stay up^.

[gémeaux]

^He's on a saw syndrome...but yeah this piece was fluid and descriptive. I liked the description of every line really and it was interesting. Plus i found it to be a lil short which is all good but leaves the reader wanting a better closure. However, overall, this was a good, short, piece. Nothing much i can take away from it, carry on striving, Stay up^.

Think a few more lines would make it better? Or would you leave this one alone and keep that in mind for the next one? I find a lot of what I write is shorter, but I don't want that to get in the way of what I'm saying.

[Constance]

I'll prolly make it like 4 lines longer, to give it more content ..

[P. Mortuus]

Think a few more lines would make it better? Or would you leave this one alone and keep that in mind for the next one? I find a lot of what I write is shorter, but I don't want that to get in the way of what I'm saying.

Myself, i hardly change a lenght of a piece i'm content with...with that in mind i reckon i'll keep it in mind for the next piece..then again do what you beleive is best for yourself..as your pieces are an expression of yours not mine therefore if you beleive it's completed it is...just poetry and a poem is different for everyone na mean....whatever you do decide to do, i still beleive that the piece is very good so yup, stay up^.

[fastforwords]

I think the best thing about this is the vocabulary you used - it's so much beyond a lot of what i read from people here without pushing it too far. . i think a lot of people when they hear that their vocab sucked go and use a thesaurus for everything which kind of gets in the way of the message - but the word use was really really good. simple things like slumber instead of sleep; anguish instead of pain really help the flow of this piece despite the fact it's a free verse. you can tell it's very emotional and the use of description (ie: when your describing the winter air and the cooling of the warm tears really helps the reader put themselves in the position you were in - especially when they've experienced the winter air seeping through their own bedroom window *coughs*). . Overall this was really good - like I said before, you're miles ahead of the average writer on this site - and you have a lot to teach them! ps - you should add your other poem to your signature! <3 you.