Reason isn't reason enough

[Richard Parker]

She was my girl. I'd known her for years
We'd grown through the fears and we'd grown through the tears.
For years her beauty made me weak & knees buckled
But my courage grew, and we were recently coupled.
didn't see much of each other, so it wasn't a moment too soon.
Fast Forward a month; we're alone in my room ..

we sat and kissed. clothes on, soft touching
My hands avoided the body my thoughts' clutching
Instead they whispered their intent, outlining her jaw
and I thought to myself, "love isn't blinding at all"
but my timing was off - she sensed an advance
said she was against sex, not against my romance
Soon we resumed kissing, the moment destroyed
As our lips claimed otherwise, I felt alone & annoyed
Not because she refused, but I respected her "cants",
And I never was trying just to 'get in her pants'
It would've been nice but my patience was strong
She didn't have to humiliate me; I'd waited so long
So in my life I found that place I belong..
nobody understood me - it helped my hatred along.
But I could quell my thoughts for fear I'd lose control
Truly, hate is all I had in my useless soul.
And it consumed me, entirely
the treatment I deserved was what wired me...
So that night I stabbed her, and her blood spilled
..in torrents of theatric revenge: our love killed

But I did it while dreaming.

[Leonidas]

Nice short little o.m. here Feeble. I started reading it and thought by the end it would end with rape and stuff, but the murder was a little nicer read than the boring rape story,lol..Anyways. Your structure of it was good, nothing was stretched or out of place, everything flowed good together and was smooth. Your vocab was on point, and you showed good emotion.

Leave some feed on my piece: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-339003.html

[Richard Parker]

Thanks. I 100% guarantee someone will point out the fact that I ended it abruptly. Somebody always notices that, lol. Cuz I always get bored halfway through. Over the last 6 months I've compiled probably 50 pieces with only about 10 lines written. Then I get bored and usu. erase it

[Leonidas]

lmao...I noticed that. It went from "She wouldnt let me, couldn't go past her cant, so then I stabbed her"..lol..The beginning. middle and everything was good, then I noticed that..you just straight ended it. lol

[Richard Parker]

rofl I read that as "couldnt go past her cunt":

*dead8

[Leonidas]

lmfao...I just read what you wrote, looked at my words, and yea..I can see where you would see that,lol

Anyways..Hit up my piece,lol

Edit: You can delete the last 3 posts from us since they basically free posts,lol...Whatever you wanna do, just dont wanna get Chris or Johnny mad :/

[Engivale]

Nothing wrong with this... flow wise, anyways... it goes pretty smoothly and you know what you want to talk about... but yea, like they're all saying it, you certainly took the easy way out and didn't resolve anything and just had the character kill the girl... really common and you know that... but I think it was well written, I just have to say that the story itself rarely offers insight into relationships. It's like a piece about cliches, almost, but it's still presented well. Props on the writing and the rhymescheme, downside on the interest factor in this piece, but it was a breezy read and I wanted to at least say something. Peace.

[Mystery~Murdera]

very easy read. Thank god somebody still knows how to write. I hate those pieces with tons of emotion and a terrible choppy flow. The whole thing is like a headache for me. Makes me want to vomit. n/e way. Nice piece. Yeah, they're right though a little bit easy to tell what's coming next but def not bad. Def worth reading. I'm going to start dropping pieces in this forum as well, something different though, lol

[Richard Parker]

thanks for the feed everybody. i don't see how it was about cliches though. but ehh. It was just something I wrote out of boredom, you're prolly right. Lol. Witness & whoever left links, I'll reply to those soon.

[NiNjah Red]

nice flow & smooth wording,


eh, i don't much go for the love song/rap thing.but.

we sat and kissed. clothes on, soft touching
My hands avoided the body my thoughts' clutching
Instead they whispered their intent, outlining her jaw
and I thought to myself, "love isn't blinding at all"

this was pretty damn well put together and expressive,


And it consumed me, entirely
the treatment I deserved was what wired me...
So that night I stabbed her, and her blood spilled
..in torrents of theatric revenge: our love killed

ok.ok.hahaha

that's what i'm talking about, fuck a typical love song, coz i was hoping someone would get killed to apease my sick thoughts


i dont think the whole dreaming thing seemed nessary for some reason though, or the dream part neede to be more metathoric or something

good joint though


rtf-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-339648.html

1

[Nique.]

Thanks. I 100% guarantee someone will point out the fact that I ended it abruptly. Somebody always notices that, lol. Cuz I always get bored halfway through. Over the last 6 months I've compiled probably 50 pieces with only about 10 lines written. Then I get bored and usu. erase it

Yea, I was about to say. Everything you said I 'shouldve' done about my 'there is nothing else' piece, is exactly what you didn't do. Practice what you preach, brotha ; ]. Haha, anyway this was a nice lil short read. Flow and rhyme scheme made it that much interesting, but the story itself wasn't the most original thing. The progression was too fast and it ended so abruptly that it kind've made me mad lol, but for what it was, it was above average. Pretty good stuff.

[Richard Parker]

yeah, but you're better than me so you need harsh criticism. lol

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

I really liked this piece and the way it ended abruptly lol

i like your rhymin style cause it made the piece flow nicely and the concept and message you put across was cool....

you really should have made this longer cause it's the type of track that would sound good in audio cause it's like a build up to the end and that last line ''our love killed'' would be a killer endin excuse the pun!

great piece although it was short!

keep them comin!

[TeLLaKoNeSiS]

it'd be much appreciated if you could reply to mine and johnny's piece dude!

thanks