The lonely, man.

[H2O']

The lonely, man.

Hopelessly,
The man sits there, all alone
No company, - no telephone
No family, or sort of clothes,
Sitting there.., he's all alone.

Worthless,
And without hope',
Music with 'a tone,
For who he played?
Himself,
As he sit there
..............All alone.

He had the life like a village, once a tornado had struck,
Dirty, hungry'... Complete Disaster, is just 'what he was
He had nothing to do, was very old, -nothing was new..
His words were bold, but never used..
...................................... For he spoke within a tune,
Has nothing but his guitar, and the strings that he plays
He's without shelter, and hasn't had a decent sleep in days.
Speechless, he always was,.. - and life he hates to mention
For old, and dirty was the answer,
........................... While glamour was out the question
Wish to win the lottery..., prayers were without answer
A patient of poverty,... slowly killing him like cancer
His appearance was like the sky, as black 'clouds collide
Sit, and wait' to take a shower, in the next storm to arrive
He was stubborn, and tuff. Not easy, but a rather hard man
The smell of stench so strong,
.......................... It makes the hair on your arm stand,
Without' happiness, or emotion, he was never surprised
Surely not the life he had chosen, so he was ready to die..
Barely lifting his head,..... and all of his fingers are bent
As random men mugged him, giving him a beat on cement
He has nothing in his life, no wife, kids, and he will never
Drinking the rain, eating the snow,
............................. And stays no matter the weather
Never met mother past his birthday, his father was gone
And till this day he's hurting,
............................ Acting like hes not bothered at all
Laughings nonsense, theres no such thing as enjoyment
Has never had money,.. nor been involved with employment
Hating life with a passion, continuing drugs and misuse
No way to get past it, as health conditions are an issue


I'm not religious, at all.., But tonight I'll pray
For the Lord had choose today -to take,
................. His Lonely life away ..

-H2O'.

[H2O']

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-356567.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...80#post6124180

yup.

[Cosa Nostra]

powerful moving eventho its poetic. 2 questions: who's the artist of the painting and what tornado were you referring to?

favorite lines:

While glamour was out the question
Wish to win the lottery..., prayers were without answer
A patient of poverty,... slowly killing him like cancer
His appearance was like the sky, as black 'clouds collide
Sit, and wait' to take a shower, in the next storm to arrive

[H2O']

Thanks for the feedback.
I don't know who the artist of the painting is,
and the tornado line was a metaphor.

[H2O']

Up!

[warsaw deluxe]

I like using the painting as inspiration, but that also brings in the expectation that the piece is going to be artful, which I don't think it was completely successful in doing. There's so much going on in that painting that indicates that the dude is more than just a castigated soul. You're telling his life story with all the requisite cliches, but I think you could've done much better to play back and forth between the storyline you set up and how the guitar fits in to his life. You talk about the guitar early on but then just break in to how life has taken a shit on the dude. The guitar is such an important part of the painting (like, even if he is pale and emaciated, the guitar is something he can still hold on to). For me, in the painting, the guitar is hope, but you leave the piece saying that there is no hope for him. I find that kind of hard to reconcile and I think ultimately the piece suffers from misreading the painting itself.

[Engivale]

Poetic kind of vibe, here, not a bad piece... the rhythm gets caught up here and there by some stretched lines, you try to combat that with the pauses so the reader can kind of restart the flow and get it back under control, its effective in helping with the pacing but I don't think the pacing is ever completely under your control, you seem to want to put more into some of the lines and so it stretches, but that's a common theme among many writers... no big deal, just something to work on...

He had the life like a village, once a tornado had struck,
Dirty, hungry'... Complete Disaster, is just 'what he was
He had nothing to do, was very old, -nothing was new..
His words were bold, but never used..
...................................... For he spoke within a tune,

Good opener, introduces this character after the alone part in the beginning, I didn't like the first 10 lines or whatever quite so much as the rest of this, I didn't feel it was a really effective way to draw in the reader.

Wish to win the lottery..., prayers were without answer
A patient of poverty,... slowly killing him like cancer
His appearance was like the sky, as black 'clouds collide
Sit, and wait' to take a shower, in the next storm to arrive
He was stubborn, and tuff. Not easy, but a rather hard man
The smell of stench so strong,
.......................... It makes the hair on your arm stand,

^^^that part was my fav of the piece, I loved the waitin' for the next storm to arrive for a shower line, and then the hair on your arm stand was a real nice punch at the end of the scheme.

Never met mother past his birthday, his father was gone
And till this day he's hurting,
............................ Acting like hes not bothered at all
Laughings nonsense, theres no such thing as enjoyment
Has never had money,.. nor been involved with employment

^^also a well written section, great portrayal of the emotion of your character. I think the piece is kind of inhibited by the subject matter as well as the rhyme scheme, there just isn't enough multies and internals to really keep the pacing alive, it has more of a talk-talk-talk-hit kind of pacing rather than talk-hit-talk-hit kind of thing.

Thanks for reading my piece, all the same. G'luck elevating.

[H2O']

thanks for the feed. appreciate it.
leave links.

[H2O']

Up!

[Angel Of Light]

i liked this peice a lot only thing bad is i didnt like the stretch lines u had goin i know it would be the same for the rest and continueing flow but i wasent a fan but the rest was really good u used the picture perfect good skeme nice images the begging was good middle was good but the best was the endin and last part that was the best part to me even tho there was very good parts in other places
give it a 9 from me

rtf plz
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ut-356675.html

[H2O']

Thanks for the feed mayne.
I'll rtf later today.

[Witty]

Yo, sorry I haven't got to this yet....I'm stuck for time atm dude. I'll edit with this ASAP.

My apologies again.

[H2O']

It's all good man, I figured you'd get around to it eventually.
Thanks though.

[Man of Steel Man]

this piece was nice and it was rather poetic...I liked the imagery that you used which paired with and expounded on the picture. The flow was on point mostly but sometimes it got a little off. the use of your flow and imagery, however...did help to vividly set the mood and display the emotions your character was feeling in this one. pretty solid read in my opinion...keep it up...cheers

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-356668.html

^^^please hit this up when you have time

[H2O']

thanks bro.
ill rtf later