V vs Atmo. Poetry

[Dan 'V]

Poetry Battle
No Line Limit
2 Hours To Drop

Topic,
"Ashes For Ourselves"

[Dan 'V]

checking in

[Alphaeus]

check brother

[Dan 'V]

.
.
.
Ashes
Falling on the street
Coming off from the knees
Making me
A martyr to the cause
Differences decide
If am a pure candidate
Left awaiting loneliness
Reminded to sad times
Falling rain turns into paper
Cutting off my air supply
By will of wanting
Supply oxygen to me
As I die at the way side
My time is coming
And me eye is stuck
Watching the clock
I am a martyr on form lately
Waiting
Waiting
I
Am
Always
Sat
Here
Waiting
Until my body
Turns into the ashes
Of the pages I write
I am
In
Control
.
.
.

[Alphaeus]

Ashes Of Ourselves
by Atmo


I stand before you
at the Garden of Eden,
words spilling out of my mouth –
a humble man
who can not hold on
to his tongue so therefore
he will lose it.
taking gods name in vein
with every sip that is repelled
from his dry drunks lips.
oh what a wondering morning,
oh what a wonderful day.
every last thorn crushed into my hand
as blood trickles down
into the cracks of my fingers –
now offering me a last taste of wine.
blessed by the father,
allow your narrow minded
hand to forever guide me into eternal bliss
to find a faith
not compromised by weight in gold.
the devil sells his soul
to the ageing blind man –
who gives his last copper coin to see a sunrise,
the murder that dares to complain,
his restraints are to tight,
please take pity on me, gracefully –
shall god let me enter heaven
and sit at the right hand of our savoir,
to drink from the cup of his body.
this is the cup of my blood
that was given up for you
‘my lord I refuse’
give your wine a rest,
fore I am re-born in your image.
I am a sober man,
I am a judge infected with honesty.
waiting in hope to wash away my sins
in the distance
as I drive with an eye on my rear view.
long and ever winding road
to my simple modest home,
a picture of god on my mantel
forever reminds me
life was a gift,
wrapped up in it’s shiny paper,
that will become the,
left over ashes of ourselves.

[Alphaeus]

Votes please - all votes returned

[Soule]

Vote - Stock.




V, your idea was pretty clever actually. I liked the concept you were coming along with and some of your lines were surprisingly better then I expected. I've never read anything from you so this was interesting. I feel you really need to work on your wordplay seeing as this was elementary through a high majority of the whole entire piece. Your style is okay, but it doesn't really stand out too much. I felt that you finished well.. but it was an edgy right home.


Stock, nice piece. Though this concept has been done multiple times before I feel that you still pulled it off as an original. Nice wording and flow. The italic parts were my favorite.. they just showed so much meaning and emotion with them. Nice piece, keep it up.

[Alphaeus]

thanks. upping

[Dan 'V]

0-1 atmo

more votes please

[Vince]

V-

And me eye is stuck
Watching the clock
I am a martyr on form lately
Waiting
Waiting
I
Am
Always
Sat
Here
Waiting
Until my body
Turns into the ashes
Of the pages I write

I thought these lines were great.....the structure was cool it was like we were watching the transformation that the words were speaking of.....
This was a very unique way to go about the topic that was chosen.
really dug it.


Atmo!-


allow your narrow minded
hand to forever guide me into eternal bliss
to find a faith
not compromised by weight in gold.
the devil sells his soul
to the ageing blind man –
who gives his last copper coin to see a sunrise

This was just one of the bright spots in your piece....I felt that you approached the topic in a little more generic way but your actual writing was very polished.
You had alot of extended metaphors and your piece was alot more complex....

V/ Atmo.....both guys gave it a great shot imo

[Alphaeus]

Thanks brother

- Its Stock by the way

[DBD]

v : yo not a bad try son, you had a little nice flow going and your verse was pretty descriptive. i feel you could have added a little more imagery to the verse to make it more detailed, nah mean.

atmo : thought your verse was tight son, you had everything thing you needed to take this, always improving and now writing poetry instead of om's. your flow was decent and i liked your description son.

vote : atmo

[Dan 'V]

thanks man

3-0 atmo!

[III]

atmo! gets my vote

Supply oxygen to me
As I die at the way side
My time is coming
And me eye is stuck
Watching the clock

I really felt these lines dude. You've def got a style but looks like you'd have to sharpen up your vocab/wording, to fully find your voice.
For a battle virgin, to did alright.

‘my lord I refuse’
give your wine a rest,
fore I am re-born in your image.
I am a sober man,
I am a judge infected with honesty.

Looks like you've found a voice and are using it. This was a long piece and that would be my only problem for future refrence, but you vocab/wording was perfect and poshished to the T.

[Big.Mac]

Ashes
Falling on the street
Coming off from the knees
Making me
A martyr to the cause

Vs

I stand before you
at the Garden of Eden,
words spilling out of my mouth –
a humble man
who can not hold on
to his tongue so therefore
he will lose it.

safe battle guys, one verse but fell smoother and more polished


atmo gets it