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Thread: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

  1. #1
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    The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...116/index.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...141/index.html






    sitting at my desk sifting through the speech they've drafted for me
    the perfect words to up my approval rating back to glory
    the perfect words that sliently slaughter america and mask the gory
    drunk from the flask of facisim they laugh at hoary
    tales of abusing our youth, fake gasp at a tragic story
    scott free they avoid an invisible charge,statuatory
    my task implores me, to invert lies and bury the truth
    to pervert ties that carried me through
    to convert minds to recieve lines that are rarely true
    i scarcely grew enough courage to withstand the hail
    but then came the polaroids of me and Marilyn in the mail
    accompanied with letters threatining exposure if i tell
    so i made a choice, manned up and told on myself
    surprisingly, she knew and said" I hope you die and go to hell"
    to tell the truth i felt relief in the former part of the spell.

    thousands of voices inaudible in my ear
    nervous with nothing to say laudable i fear
    multitudes of blurry faces spot my daughter and I tear
    I hear her crying for her daddy even though im still here
    I scream with the loudest whisper, baby I'll always be near
    more applause and chants of U.S.A faintly sound in my mind
    a cold draft starts at my fingertips and down to my spine
    i signal for my third glass of water, my mouth is so dry
    a faceless mason ask's you alright?
    before I cold reply he says don't doubt you'll be find.
    My name is called, with weak knees I wobble to a stance
    shuffle my feet and begin to speak,
    standing there a hollowing of a man.





    I look out into the audience, take a deep breath
    knowing that in my journey of life this is the step
    the point of no return, I'll certainly see death
    Look to God above and pray there's a seat left
    i see the scheme in my adversaries eye
    i feel their stares when i push the truth through there lies
    i hear deaths gritting teeth through mendacious smiles
    i see the cursing between their flattering wows
    the men charged with my life will vacate their vows
    right before the world, while they are wondering how?
    They'll see the truth, turn away and close their eyes
    to acknowlege the fact is saying all they know is a lie
    God forgive them, their shoes we once mine.

    I begin to speak the words that will eventually darken my fate,
    hopefully it illuminates the future.


    Dear fellow Americans we are gathered here today
    in opposition of secrecy
    a Opposition as vital as life itself with force or peacefully
    The World will never know how much being your president means to me
    I took a oath, to loathe bribes, and uphold decency.
    to uphold a since of pride, to punish offenders with out leniency
    Today we fight a enemy, domestic learned in our language and creed
    They detest freedom,shun individual thinking,only loving
    their zealous greed
    their influence is deep,their dodgmas surf our airwaves
    programs are tv's,
    infriltrating the board of education sitting on its staircase
    they lay in between the lines of journalism they want to
    make us their slaves
    Those things we hold dear, fidelity, honesty,
    all a hoax see boldly the plan unfolds
    right before our eyes yetwe dont see
    Yes America the flame from liberties torch produced a smoke screen
    don't think for a second that we can't win dont abandon hope please
    because hope breeds,will,will brings resistance
    to the established law and if I'm wrong.
    God Help us All.

    Good Morning
    Last edited by The Messenger; October 17th, 2009 at 11:55 PM

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    Whats kind of format did ya use? I enjoyed reading it very much. What kind of advice are you looking for?
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    Im here to help, If I can let me know.

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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    i didnt structure it jusst posted str8 from note pad im bout to structure it now but what you think

  4. #4
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    you dropped a two line feed on my piece...but still...Ill let you know what I think..

    The piece was decent...flow was a little choppy the entire way through, and there were a few forced rhymes in my opinion..just because you can make 6 lines rhyme, doesnt mean they sound well while reading them...it gets kinda repetitive and boring, plus a little predictable, if you were to take my advice, work on smoothing out the transitional sentences, throw in some internal rhyming to naturally release one rhyme "scheme" into another to make a smooth transition from one prominent rhyming word to another..that does it for mechanics and structure....


    Now, the concept you chose was a couple of very old ones blended together, a kinda political 8-mile rant...or a least that's how I read it...Creativity and originality is always a plus, but from the technical advice I hope you take out of this, you will combine that nice vocab with some insightful rhyming in the future...Im only here to help...If this sounded negative in any way...you must know I am completely tanked..Nor do I think I am better than anyone else...plus....Im tanked...peace man...

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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    thanx...

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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    this started off realli cool...but lost me as i read further...got boring...not by much tho...but i was feelin the beginning a good deal more than the rest of this...flow here is choppy...and some of the rhymes were forced....never read a verse with this kinda theme so props for that...i think that's the main thing that kept me interested...other than that my feeds the same as the dude that came before me....dont see the point in re typing what he did so....ok written...overall i give it.... 7/10

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    Re: The Lies They Tell: The Lies I Wont

    thanx for the feed guys

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