Call Us Neander

[Dkoi]

I walk into a pharmacy to pick up a
precscription. I tell the pharmacist
my name, and she begins to prepare my order.
I sit. Others sit as well, also waiting
their prescription. I look around and begin to
observe the others, observe in lethargy, as
they don their most sociable face, as they
talk in their most civilized tone, and as they sit
in their most confident posture.

I guess, sometimes, I just wish there was
more discord than this. Less of the thing we
call normalcy. Sometimes, I just wish I would
see people barreling through the pharmacy doors -
biting, kicking, screaming, spitting. Just
so that they might have a shot at the first
in line.

I'd like to sit down as I wait for my order,
and observe naked men and women gawking and
grimacing at the people sitting beside them.
Observe as they scratch at their hairy asses,
and at their hairy balls, and to laugh as
they grunt like neanderthals.

[spokenoh]

This shows some potential. I liked the setting and the tone you had behind the language. I'm also fascinated by social interaction in professional service settings.
I'm going to comment on some things you should try to work on. First of all, the structure is hard to follow. The form you worked with is somewhat common on here - I've used it myself - but it's a tricky one to use effectively. If it's going to be paragraph style, attempt to make everything neat and consistent. Don't start sentences with one word enjambed in the previous line. The last stanza is the most organized and is an example of how to make this style work.
I think this needs to be a little longer. It feels really brief. The first and last stanza, in terms of concept, work well but the middle is too small to really develop the idea. You're on the right track, revealing the underlying reality behind social etiquette in the last stanza, but there needs to be more detail and insight.
With that said, I think you could use to write a few more stanzas and clean this up a bit to improve it. Hope this helps.

[Dkoi]

Thanks for putting your critique nicely, haha. But, yes, it definetly will help as I revise (if I do.) I think I'll edit and tighten the first stanza, re-write a second stanza, and add a fourth stanza with a better conclusion; me picking up the prescription and leaving. Idk, thanks for the time though.