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Thread: funny and twisted untitled

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! zonez's Avatar
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    funny and twisted untitled

    Marker to surface, permanent until its buffed like our existence
    Scared and nervous its pertinent to act tough for the resistance
    As it gets harder to discern fact from fiction people are sketchin'
    And acting like they are trying to mask their true intentions
    I have a few good inventions but I hate making money
    So I patent them and burn the royalties when they steal from me
    I just ate a bunch of drugs now my stomach is feeling funny
    I'm seeing polka-dot tracers and lots of little green bunnies
    Look in a mirror can't see my face the walls are starting to conspire
    They threaten to close in on me if I don't set my head on fire
    Plus I can no longer trust that electric coffee grinder
    He's trying to take my life with help from the oven timer
    I'm just trying to unwind each time I close my eyes I find
    In my minds eye a million eyes stare at me until I'm blind
    Thought process must pause forgot who I was numb in both jaws
    Brain like tomato sauce praying that these hallucinations stop
    Up on the roof with a sheet like a paratrooper I jump off
    And land face first on the sidewalk lay in a pool of blood and cough
    Now all that remains of me is dust in the wind and lines in chalk

  2. #2
    Revolution II OG Maestro's Avatar
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    Re: funny and twisted untitled

    One thing I notice about you is that you have a knack to go poetic during your rap escapade. Main reason? You're full of imagery.

    I'm seeing polka-dot tracers and lots of little green bunnies
    Brain like tomato sauce
    Up on the roof with a sheet like a paratrooper I jump off
    And land face first on the sidewalk lay in a pool of blood and cough
    dust in the wind and lines in chalk
    ^Imagery
    First one is elementary, the next is slightly better. The last bits are good.


    mask their true intentions
    ^Metaphor


    Marker to surface, permanent until its buffed like our existence
    Scared and nervous its pertinent to act tough for the resistance
    ^These were your best bars. It immediately went down hill, because nothing else could match up to how you started.


    Main Advice: Be consistent as possible when you write

    Keep writing ZoneZ

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  3. #3
    Revolution II OG Maestro's Avatar
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    Re: funny and twisted untitled

    On a side note, I believe that technically you rhymed in GOOD meter for about...9 syllables in the entire first set of bars.
    I don't advise that sort of rhyming, but if you can do it...do it. Cause those first two lines were killer.

    @zonez when you get a chance can you feed this piece?

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Velvet-Fortune

    It's very long, my apologies.

    I just want to make more material but I'm gathering up information on what works and what doesn't work.

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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! zonez's Avatar
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    Re: funny and twisted untitled

    Wow thanks for the detailed feedback, much appreciated. I didn't realize how nice the first bar was till you broke it down, it just came out like that pretty smoothly. The rest of the bars were forced till the middle. Also the last bar was very forced actually had to think about it for like 10 min. Anyway thanks again and yes I will definitely give feedback later tonight when I have time... lots of content there.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! PatricBernier's Avatar
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    Re: funny and twisted untitled

    I like your style, keep it up and don't quite.
    I can relate to your lyrics because it is the type of stuff I make

    Thought process must pause forgot who I was numb in both jaws
    Brain like tomato sauce praying that these hallucinations stop

    Good imagery, check me out if u got a chance.
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...onspiracy-Shit

  6. #6
    The Legend KnowP's Avatar
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    Re: funny and twisted untitled

    no links

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