Atmosphere

[Gollum]

I love a lot of things and some might not be included
I’m not trying to be mean this very second or rude and stupid
But sometimes I forget about certain people, the situation is putrid
So with the first phase nearly concluded, think smart and forget stupid
I love the air that coerces my lungs; I once needed it young
Because of three bullets that breathed from the gun
These men were disease encrypted and were bread grunge
One of those bullets penetrated my lung and I thought I was done
I never thought I would be the one to think I would never see the sun
But when the day begun the gangs had fun; I don’t think it was on purpose
Because Justin and I were playing football on the parks surface
Then a stray bullet took me to the ground; I could tell Justin was nervous
And if it weren’t because of him noone would have heard this
The memory is alive and the last thing I remember is my moms kiss

[Gollum]

I replied to Foreshadow

[Tourniquet]

This was pretty good. Im not really one for rap but it did have that feel about it so forgive me if Im way off base with my comments. The lines read to a beat in my mind and that was great, made it easy to glide through. I really loved the opening sequence, it introed the piece nicely.

Only criticism I would have is towards the latter part of the piece. It tended to fall away from the style a little, become a little choppy if you will. And it doesnt feel completed, is there more to come? Because it really does end abruptly to me.

Over all though as I said was a good write. T.

[Bloom.Quist]

Not bad really. Had a flow to it, the rhyming seemed good. Multies here n there. The overall meaning or message of the poem was there, yet maybe held back and not totally revealed. Nonetheless, a good piece of work.

How long did it take you?

[Varentao]

It seemed within itself. Like you were stuck between the two worlds of raw emotion and cool logic. And ended up with something kind of 'without a world'. Just a floating object in space..

...still, i thought it showed an at times solid use of words. Rhyming was fair. And at times it got into some kind of flow.

[Gollum]

Thanks to all three of you on the feedback. Tour it did end all of a sudden for no reason I was in a hurry and I had to go somewhere and my time on the computer was limited. Bloom this only took like 10 minutes not very long at all but it takes like 15 minutes just to register and everything but I didnt spend that much time on it.

[Thrust]

this piece too wasn't all that bad. i think you can make a better approach with the way you say things. but i like your style. it's not overwhelming complicated and not too simple. i liked the transition into a story. i'm trying to think of things to help you out, because i do see a good writer in you, you just need to express yourself better. anways, keep dropping.