Sick Homicidal Thoughts

[Kaotic Theory]

this is fiction....if u can't handle it grow up

sick homicidal thoughts

sick and nasty thoughts flow throughout my mind
feeling like a killer making up for child hood lost time
i sometimes black out and wake up to a dozen fatality's
its sad when in reality doctor's rule me split personality
real depressed with a chemical imbalance in my brain
BI polar sometimes hyper i get a kick out of seeing victim's slain
throat's slashed, even victim's with toys shoved up there asses
filled with toxic chemicals which set body parts shedding rashes
it's a scary thing when you can't control what your mind processes
you forget one thing, might as well consider it a lost message
never remember it again, because your mind is unhealthy
growing up as a sick boy to a family never wealthy
tortured and beat up all of my life, feeling not wanted
instead of my house it was my mind that was haunted
but these day's it is to late for me, IM suicidal
and homicidal, Charles Manson is my idol
outside IM fearless, but it's my inside's that cry
asking God where i went wrong, did i deserve this? , and why?
oh well to late just kill me now, i'll laugh in hell
but for now that's my story inside this patted cell

[Mesmerize]

I loved your imagery in this. The way you chose to express these thoughts was great, was creative. Your flow was pretty nice too. You portrayed your thoughts very well with the added emotion. Wasnt anything i could really find that was bad, you done a great job on this. You stuck to the topic throughout it and ended very nicely. Well done, keep it up.

peace,
Mez

[ILLunatic]

T`was nice... you could fix up some word usage though.
Other than that.. It was pretty nice.. Potential bleeding thru

[XNottyxBabeX]

this was good, the imagery was nice and the twisted topic that it was based on was tackled nicely and you did well with getting into the mind of a sick person. The flow was good as well. Keep up the good work

[Varentao]

Well it lived up to it's title. Less so it's introduction.

I mean i dig what's being said. The frustrations of one's lives and inability to interact with the world build up. Exaggerated. But for me the way it read sometimes didn't go together. The way it read seemed frustrated with itself. Like some of the wordplay wasn't quite coming out right. A struggle to fully grasp what it's all about. Though to fully grasp something like this would take a lot of time (and possibly torture).

[Laureate]

I still think your wordchoice could be better...
YOu have a few grammatical errors. "making up for child hood lost time"
hood = hood's ...jus read it through a few times and see if it sounds right before you post
No apostrophe in "fatality's" or "doctor's" or "victim's" or "throat's" and "victim's" again
and some of your metas also....I didnt like the Charles Manson reference

I know it sounds like I'm ripping this apart, but its jus constructive criticsm, this was a big improvement..your emotion was much better and more realistic in this poem...I really felt it...imagry was decent....keep at it man

[DALC]

Nice imagery.
Vocab..blah blah.
You did pretty good.Keep writing.

[Thrust]

from what i've seeen before, this is a step up. truelly, you started off better than you ended. it flowed pretty well all the way through but towards the end the wording to me seemed to slack off a bit. and lately, grammer in pieces have been bother, like when you said IM, i'd rather see I'M, i ono, it made me read it differently you know. almost made me think of an instant message lol. things like that may through off the reader's flow, which i had until that point. overall it was ok. you didn't over do yourself or anything, and ti wasn't just flat out simple. with a little help i see you being a quality writer.

[Kaotic Theory]

werd upping

[Neruda II]

I didn't like this. Oversimplistic, the flow was off at many lines, some lines were stretched too much, syllable count made it hard for me to stay with the rhythm.

I liked how you portrayed some sick thoughts, you did have some good imagery in there. I felt that some lines were too cliche' such as line 18. You could have brought some more creativity to this, be as sick as you possibly can be, don't ever censor yourself. You should have gone into gory, obscene, tremendous detail, that would have made it a perfect imagery poem, really let your emotions out. I do however see alot of talent in some lines, I think that with time, you will be an incredible writer. Keep writing, no hate, just my opinion. I'll give you my feedback whenever nessecary.

[Mc_Nabb]

very good imagery in this some parts werent as good but overall i liked it and overall id say it was pretty good....alot better than i coulda done im not too good at these lol......-_-

[Ever Dream]

Although a twisted topic, you took it on headstrong. The imagery was good... can definatly see into a sick and twisted personds mental thoughts. One thing that I think could be better was some of the word choice. But other than that you did a really nice job at portraying this peice...

.....fav part.....

oh well to late just kill me now, i'll laugh in hell
but for now that's my story inside this patted cell


keep droppin



....bless