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Thread: My Father

  1. #1
    Barz&Penstripes
    Guest

    My Father

    Te quiero mucho was the last words my dad said
    That meant I love you as I watched his cab sped
    Up the block from my grand moms projects imagine
    A sunny day on your block in the summer chasing ass man
    Running after Keisha to lift her skirt up laughing
    Only to have kiesha chasing me with a stick perhaps then
    times were simplier watching uncles smoke weed tickled us
    then watch them hop fences from police, tripping up
    Boobie said watch them fall like white girls in movies
    But he meant "game" that pimps say to trap them white groupies
    I remember playing skelly drinkin quarter water ooh-wee
    And Mr. Harrison older daughter inviting us to see her boobies
    Got busted cause I came in my pants from my first woo-dy
    Got a damn good beating that made me nap to least a quarter to 3
    Ate half of a Hero that wasn't mine but my mommas
    Didn't ask if she wanted it, went outside to avoid drama
    Watched my uncles play spades in my projects hall
    Observed my uncle Dave play his wife with a dirty ass whore
    Went to play in front where my cousins sold crills
    Was scared everytime crackheads stumbled up the hill
    Waited outside looking out for my dads cab
    Bullshitted with Richard, Kiesha, still a lil mad
    My moms opens up the door told me get my ass inside
    My dad picked a damn good day to wake up and die.


    Tell what yah think! I do this for him!

    Peace & Hip Hop

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,812
    Battle Record
    54-7
    i think it was good but during the middle it kinda seemed to get off subject,but the intro to me was nice

  3. #3
    +
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    London
    Age
    37
    Posts
    6,410
    Battle Record
    2-1
    You need to post two links, to two OMs you left decent feedback on, or this gets closed, thanks.
    ...

  4. #4
    Barz&Penstripes
    Guest
    how do you do that? I don't want my joints to get closed out. So if you can please tell me how to do it.

    Peace & HIp Hop

  5. #5
    Barz&Penstripes
    Guest
    Oh and the reason why the middle goes off subject is because its supposed to iilustrate that the day was a regular with different events going on and at the end of a good day my dad died. It was an unexpected event but if you can advise me what could I have done to make it better hit me back.

    Thanx fam!

  6. #6
    i like the way u started it off....very nice.....good to see someone talkin bout something other than bitches, money, or rolling on 20's

    "My dad picked a damn good day to wake up and die."
    very nice way to end it....goes to show u neva no what the day will bring ur way.....

    respect u for speaking on something real....very simple lyrics but good topic..overall decent piece dawg....


    p'z......

  7. #7
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    3,107
    Battle Record
    8-8
    This was a decent piece the emotion in this was nice and I enjoyed the read.. The flow was a bit shaky but you can always improve that.. The imagery was good but it could be better and the same for the description.. Keep writing..

  8. #8
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,812
    Battle Record
    54-7
    If u dont want ya pieces to not get closed.....paste da site shit of just 2 feed baks dat were good nd dats it.go to ya sig. than copy it there.(iam not really good at explaining)(just read da tuturiols)

  9. #9
    +
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    London
    Age
    37
    Posts
    6,410
    Battle Record
    2-1
    Closed.
    ...

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