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Thread: Cemetery of My Past

  1. #1
    The Best
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    Cemetery of My Past

    Cemetery of My Past

    Granite columns surround me,
    in solemn rows, like stone soldiers,
    forever silenced.
    Barely discernable as a blanket
    a blanket of fog hangs in the air
    and hugs the ground.
    Deep beneath the earth
    lay hundreds of decaying corpses.
    And I step around them cautiously,
    so as not to wake them,
    wake them from their eternal slumber.
    Not cautious enough,
    the still silence is pierced by a cry.
    It erupts from my throat
    as I fall through glass.
    And when I finally hit the ground,
    a muffled thud.
    High walls of mud and clay
    all around me, closing in on me.
    No way to escape, I have fallen,
    fallen into my own crypt,
    Where I have tossed and buried so much.
    And I too, will be just a memory,
    tossed among others.
    Cold, but somehow hot;
    there, but somehow not.
    Viewing everything as from afar
    On a black-and-white television screen.

    -Onus

  2. #2
    The Best
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    up.

  3. #3
    Talent. Omega.'s Avatar
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    well everytime i leave feed you dont RTF...why clisk WHY?!...


    ill edit this as soon as you RTF first
    Insane Joker Lyricists


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  4. #4
    I was kind of let down by this piece to be honest. I loved the majority of your concepts but nearly all of them I found issue with the wording. Subtle changes could have been made that would have conciderably strengthened the impact of each individual line. Also I really didn't like,

    'Barely discernable as a blanket
    a blanket of fog hangs in the air'


    I understood the use of the word twice to differenciate meaning, but the tenses were too similar for the technique to work properly... So it just came off as you re-using a concept, which turned to redundance. So, not my favorite from you for the fact alot of things could have been tightened up a bit.

  5. #5
    The Best
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omega.
    well everytime i leave feed you dont RTF...why clisk WHY?!...


    ill edit this as soon as you RTF first

    ???... well thanks for feeding Myself.

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