Another Pursuit

[the artisan]

i haven't attempted to write poetry before, but i wrote this the other day and thought it was alright, though now i'm not so certain. since i'm starting out i'd appreciate some criticism to help me on my way. i'll try to give feed elsewhere also. anyway...



Another Pursuit


Somebody bring me a camera
I’m gonna find the clearest window
And pray the light’s kind enough
To leave my reflection on the glass

Just find me a pen and paper
I’m gonna make them meet at last
And will my pristine hands
To smudge the words on the page

Get me an eight-track recorder
I’m gonna sit here with a guitar
And hope each of my fingers
Shake as readily as the strings

[D. Josey]

Nice stuff for you first one man.

Somehow, your piece was stable, and it was bolted down as firmly as any other vet's poetry on this sight. I still see room from improvement, and I'd be willing to help you develop more imagery, and develop the natural style you have. It's a clever piece, good job.

[Poeta Demonio]

Okay, i see potential here, Your imagery was the down point in my personal opinion, all the way through i wanted you to elaborate on your thoughts, in order to provoke the emotion you were trying to press into the readers (my) mind... You can eliminate this issue by using more metaphors, alliteration, & assonance, So lets say your speaking of a table for instance, what texture was the table? what shade was the table? what was the shape of the table? You understand my meaning?... I lie short poetry, as it leaves me hanging, and wanting more. Which personally i enjoy. I felt your vocabulary was good in some places, shakey in others, but at the same time i feel you held it together pretty well with the internals of the piece. When i read the topic i assumed at first it was going to be another noob poem about being chased by the police or a rival gang. But i liked your take on the topic. Well done. Keep at it dude.

[the artisan]

thanks for the feed guys. i see what you're saying about the lack of imagery, but i avoided direct description on purpose in an effort to enhance the point that the narrator hasn't done these things yet. they're just his latest ambitions. plus each stanza is intended to be a metaphor.

[the artisan]

upping. please give me a little feed so i can improve, it's only short lol.

[A.O.D]

The length of this seems incomplete, its a good drop for being your first poem though. You did use some description but it seems as if it was only on the last line of each stance. Try to throw more descriptive words out there... you want for you reader to be able to paint a picture with your words so that they can play a story in there head. Other than that... nice job.

[the artisan]

thanks to all who have dropped feed. out of curiosity, could someone tell me exactly what more description would bring to the piece? i don't mean this in the sense that i think it's perfect and you all are wrong, i just wonder because i deliberately tried to avoid much of it. i'm not particularly happy with this piece now, but more because of the simplicity of it and it's lack of real scope. anyhow, i felt that descriptive imagery (other than that in the last lines) would detract from the point of the piece, and contradict how i presented the narrator's relationship with art. was i stupid to think like this? i'm just trying to get a grasp on the medium.

[P. Mortuus]

thanks to all who have dropped feed. out of curiosity, could someone tell me exactly what more description would bring to the piece? i don't mean this in the sense that i think it's perfect and you all are wrong, i just wonder because i deliberately tried to avoid much of it. i'm not particularly happy with this piece now, but more because of the simplicity of it and it's lack of real scope. anyhow, i felt that descriptive imagery (other than that in the last lines) would detract from the point of the piece, and contradict how i presented the narrator's relationship with art. was i stupid to think like this? i'm just trying to get a grasp on the medium.

The way you were trying to put a "I'm going to do" point of view could have been enhanced by imagery...e.g..

"I want to capture the strings that play
The strumming heart snapshots the day"

Stuff like that, you know what i mean....other heads will give you better examples though cause i'm nt much of a poetry type..but yeah this was aight and quick and showed some raw talent as a begginer, therefore, stay up and keep trying na mean.