Heavy Temptations

[LyricallyInclined]

Ok check it out i wrote this for fun and entered it in a contest For Fun as well and it got placed in the semi finals and im still waiting on the decision to be made.

these heavy temptations keep coming they wont stop
never any progress on my climb to the top
hurts deep inside theres no pain more iscrutiating
suicide is what im constantly debating
but i continue trying consitrating
dont think its possible theres a monkey on my back
i wanna know why i have to pick up my teams slack
you expect me to be perfect whats the purpose
playing sports and acheiving goals makes me nervous
will i ever surface..im not sure but with this heart so pure
i shake these heavy temptations off my shoulders
so now there pebbles and rocks instead of bolders
i try my best and some times i fail, who doesnt
they ask who was taking drugs and my reply is who wasnt
my friend die that night in a hit by anouther drunk driver
cops say its his fault they abunch of liers
how can you blame shawn he had a few that night
i wonder if he seen the light
heavy temptations come back as fast as they was gone
and so forth my story will be told on.......

[Soule]

Nice peice.
Nice wordplay and flow.
Work on structre.
Felt this alot.
Make sure to stick to GFX Just incase you start lossing your poetic powers lol.
Keep it up.

[LyricallyInclined]

thanx for the feed uppin for more

[killashak]

thats was deep man...i liked it when u said...

'you expect me to be perfect whats the purpose
playing sports and acheiving goals makes me nervous'

if you did that for fun,what can you do when your serious??
keep doing your thing....

[CrazyCarl]

There were a lot of typos in this. Especially since you entered this into a contest, you should have checked for errors. You said you entered for fun, but the spelling errors at the least will keep the poem from winning. Instead of referring to them as "heavy temptations" each time you could have maybe used a metaphor.

[LyricallyInclined]

There were a lot of typos in this. Especially since you entered this into a contest, you should have checked for errors. You said you entered for fun, but the spelling errors at the least will keep the poem from winning. Instead of referring to them as "heavy temptations" each time you could have maybe used a metaphor.

thats the thing they sent me a copy to correct all my mistakes on b/c they relized that everyone has mistakes so thats why they sent me a correction sheet

[LyricallyInclined]

uppin for more feed

[GfXmAsTeR]

upping for more feed

[Mafioso.]

short N' strcutue N' wording coulda been way better elavate

[haji]

well i can tell u tried ur best but i aint impressed keep writin

[haji]

c some cats think of killing
am thinking of ever spittin
am flowing down wit da rythm
ma lyrics 2 where u live in
i pump,pump wit no reason
i dump,jump every season
i stomp harder on u now
when i bump u gotta feel me

[LyricallyInclined]

upping this old peice for feed