Will You Marry Me?

[Soul Slayer]

When we Were young

With this ring, i thee wed
committing to you until death do us apart.
sucked into a reverie that
someday you would grace
a chateau, fixated in th comforting
arms of your prince charming.
Embellishing it with crystal chandeliers
made to your desire, truly
fit for the queen that you are.
indulging in the most divine wines.
"Est -ce que tu es jolie? oui, oui?
Hush your presence tells a tale
and my heart is paying attention."

Hope
With this ring, i thee wed
committing to you until death do us apart.
'tu es tres belle."
Every time i am torn asunder
I try to attach meaning,
unveiling dead ends, never thee cumber.
Then your celestial smile shines
compelling me to pause and ponder.
"Will this love pass the test of time?"
"Polar snow it resembles, with no speck of black
yet daisy like, giving birth to life and
warmth in our lives." It shall never be sullied.
Entwined for all eternity
I think i have found my
long lost soul mate

Come Together
Today i present you with
this, a diamond ring.
"See how these diamonds sparkle?"
Resembling the glare in your
hazel eyes. That smile gives
off a vibrant and welcoming
atmosphere. "What can i say?"
Gleaming like the stars in the night.
those eyes complimenting the metallic
accoutrement on your wrist
Complete with a silky and
slim fitting wedding gown.
Overwhelming emotion fumes this chapel
causing your bottom lip to quiver.
Ah, lets me wipe off that droplet
of salt rolling down your cheek.
I'm lost momentarily as
the band plays beautifully.
Charming my ears with ethereal melodies.
melancholy is something of a mythology
at this very moment.

"You define the man in me
These are my solemn vows.
will you marry me?"

[Soul Slayer]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ge-369050.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-368903.html

[Soul Slayer]

Upping this ma fellow poets

[Dead Dogs]

I thought this was a piece that definately had its moments, but that was hampered by weird word choice and very choppy flow in some areas. It was nice to read a poem that wasn't about like, God or crucifixes, lol, so it was a refreshing topic and yea, it was just nice. I liked alot of passages, like the first one, and I thought that the stuff in french was a nice touch. Like I said though, there was some straight up bad flow in certain spots. This is just one example:

"Resembling the glare in your
hazel eyes. That smile gives
off a vibrant and welcoming
atmosphere. "What can i say?"
Gleaming like the stars in the night."

But then you follow it up with some nice word choice and imagery. So I guess I just have to say, work on consistency. Like, within stanzas, it felt like there was some filler. Nonetheless, i'd say this was one of your better pieces that I've read. Hit mine up.

[Ntalek]

I thought this poem was a good read..as Slim said it had it's moments..I thought some of the french wording was unneccessary..but to each it's own..hell I don't even know french...but at times you did seem to downplay the vocab with more simplistic terms of imagery which can either edge the piece off or just put it in the dumps so to say..I found the first 2 stanza very similar in ways of emotion and it wasn't until the last part when I was like OK this is nice..but I enjoyed the take/topic as well as you were creative in your own way so props on that..overall this was a good read my dude you are elevating quickly...so keep at it..and RTF pls..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...oy-368638.html

[Cody Nash]

this was not bad at all actually. like slim said, and I have to agree, there were noticeable points of bad word choice and flow, but only small parts. the beginning was a bit sketchy and so was the part he quoted... but this poem was more good than not... it actually captured that emotion and the essence of the "BIG QUESTION" very well. and you did manage to maintain a good solid theme that evenly complimented the lines after and before as you read them (minus the few slippery parts)... this is one of the best poems I've read out of you yet. good job...


- Nash


Return feedback on my new poem - Sunflowers.