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Thread: Revelry.

  1. #1
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Revelry.

    Revelry



    Not everything I write has a story. Some things are created where they were naked as the night,
    Anything can form white & ordinary, but something has to be shaded to be jaded out in the light.
    The revelry without a thought is matched by enemies that claw & scratch at these walls of glass.
    They tore my straw mask off & poured scorched water on my morbid past within hauded scraps.
    The sordid drafts of wars, whores, & laughs, the glory, the sore, all the pure & awry gory facts.
    I fought back but I was caught in the draught; I was ordered to laugh, & I was taught how to act.
    I was crawling & talking back. It was more than being born into those hands that were cracked,
    The hands I'd slapped. I was almost being re-spawned onto the man who demanded you react,
    He who handed you the strap & offered you his back, only for the strap to turn to crap & wither,
    for as you cracked & began to attack with vigour, he clapped at his new black, his new nigger,
    & he turned, & laughed the laugh of a clasped trigger. Shuffling, mumbling nothing but a snigger.
    As you're stumbling & rumbling, he's humbling, spluttering, coughing not stopping & gets bigger.
    He stands out on our chest, & we hand out each breath, he's strong & he's long & he is death.
    You're offering nothing, I have stopped coughing, & we're cold. You're but a coffin for my soul.


    Old, & you can still taste this racists boot laces as he wastes away on the dust of your grave.
    So what are you? You're a man, you're a hand, you're a stand, you're land, you're just a slave.
    You gave all you gave & bravely paved a way in the end, & saved all those nameless children,
    Those who were fumbling just for an end & got a number. Those just given a waste-less zero,
    Now within revelry, your legacy wont die, my friend, my brother, & just another face-less hero.




    -

  2. #2

  3. #3
    oh! Chef Boy's Avatar
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    Re: Revelry.

    Breathtaking.
    This is one of, if not the first, pieces I have read where the lines weren't just chopped up with a rhyme on the end. And to be honest, it was one of the best I have read. Seeing this at first I thought that would make it hard to follow, but I stand corrected. The flow on that was amazing. Reading it to myself I could basically feel, see, and hear what was going on. Not only that, but the emotion was insane. I would say the definite topic of this is something I could personally relate to, but I could definitely understand what was going on.

    You gave all you gave & bravely paved a way in the end, & saved all those nameless children,
    Those who were fumbling just for an end & got a number. Those just given a waste-less zero,
    Now within revelry, your legacy wont die, my friend, my brother, & just another face-less hero.
    I read this part again, and again. Each time it seemed so much more powerful. An awesome way to end it. I got chills from these lines man.

    Keep it up, this was an awesome read, props.

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  5. #5
    Banned +h3_B|@ck_+enchu's Avatar
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    Re: Revelry.

    Not everything I write has a story. Some things are created where they were naked as the night,
    Anything can form white & ordinary, but something has to be shaded to be jaded out in the light.


    nice way to start it off....overall great read....makes you think about the past....detailed...

  6. #6
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Re: Revelry.

    ^ come on, man. Im sure I left you some decent feed.

  7. #7
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    Re: Revelry.

    nice shit man good flow I enjoyed it

  8. #8
    /c]Kid L V.S Kenyonne[/c
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    Re: Revelry.

    I like the flow the concept? not my type of pie but hey we're all diverse when it comes to hip hop...good shit folk...RTF

  9. #9
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    Re: Revelry.

    Quote Originally Posted by KID L View Post
    I like the flow the concept? not my type of pie but hey we're all diverse when it comes to hip hop...good shit folk...RTF
    Why would you waste your time in leaving that comment?

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! l^l Osiris l^l's Avatar
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    Re: Revelry.

    this was a great intellectual piece man from the display of wordplay and painting your imagery...

    lyrically some of it flowed and on other lines it took a long drawn out way to rhyme.. it just was more like a poem or haiku to me u know??

    mumbling nothing but a snigger.- I THINK U MEANT SNICKER
    As you're stumbling & rumbling- RUMBLING IS THE SOUND OF THUNDER SO I GOT KINDA CONFUSED
    , he's humbling, spluttering, coughing not stopping & gets bigger.
    He stands out on our chest, & we hand out each breath, he's strong & he's long & he is death.-NOW THIS WAS PRETTY COOL BUT THE ANDS KIND OF GOT BORING AFTER REPETITIVELY SEEING IT

    CREATIVE IDEAL I NEVER SEEN THIS FREAKED BEFORE IN THIS WAY WHERE U GOT ME LIKE INVISIONING IT FROM EVERY WORD... SOME OF THE VOCAB I THINK WAS JUST UNNECESSARY CUZ U HAD ALREADY PAINTED THE VISION IN MY MIND... I THINK IN THE BEGINNING U COULD OF BROUGHT THE TOPIC OUT ALITTLE MORE STRONGER.. BUT IT WAS SUPRISING TO C U WAS TALKIN ABOUT FREEDOM AND ENTRAPMENT RACISM AND SLAVERY...

    THIS WAS THORO.. DUECEZ

  11. #11

    Re: Revelry.

    this was cool had a good flow a good vocab kinda lost me with the structure though but yeah it was good i liked the idea of it but i am not sure of the title and whether or not it suits your idea, but i guess if you're talking about a nation of blacks then the slaves being freed would be revelry, ummmm.... the emotion was good didn't see much figurative laguage maybe a couple similies and mostly imagery, so i'd like to see more diverse figurative laguage, and i would like to see more multies but other than that it was good...
    rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-400357.html
    As i listen to these demons and lookin for a reason for my continuous breathin and a purpose of my xistence

  12. #12
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Re: Revelry.

    Thanks for the feed, a snigger is actually the same thing as a snicker, osiris. Rumbling was actually supposed to be crumbling lol




    Quote Originally Posted by Xistence View Post
    this was cool had a good flow a good vocab kinda lost me with the structure though but yeah it was good i liked the idea of it but i am not sure of the title and whether or not it suits your idea, but i guess if you're talking about a nation of blacks then the slaves being freed would be revelry, ummmm.... the emotion was good didn't see much figurative laguage maybe a couple similies and mostly imagery, so i'd like to see more diverse figurative laguage, and i would like to see more multies but other than that it was good...
    rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-400357.html

    Revelry, you got it in one man. I tried to touch on the fact it was revelry before he became a slave etc. To be brutally honest, this piece is a week old now I genuinely can't fathom what I was thinking lol.


    Thanks for the feed

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