Monster

[J. Herra]

Little darker than my normal style.


My demons know, you're breathin' slow, you never see me coming
Forgot to think to watch your drink, so I think that I'll add something
I observe you sip, girl, perch those lips, you're making my job easy
You start to spin, I start to grin, and still you haven't seen me
You take a seat, right next to me, now you're all but gift wrapped
You say hello, but say it slow, your minds not even in tact
I work my charm, there's no alarm, I'm more than you can handle
More beautiful than usual, what an addition to my mantle
You need a ride, and I'm your guy, you're oh so unsuspecting
You're blackin' out, I pass your house, and now my palms are sweating
We're speeding now, I'm wheezing now, this rush is overwhelming
I reach the spot, the seats then drop, we're about to do some bending
What happens next, I force the sex, this ain't a happy ending
My precious dove, oh I'm in love, shit she's waking while I'm on her
She reaches out, she screams and shouts, and yells that I'm a monster
My hardest grip, she starts to slip, I squeeze and break her neck line
I dig a ditch, just leave this bitch, and up the dosage next time

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...753/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...690/index.html

[J. Herra]

Let's go, feedback, let's go!

[Ink Poyzin]

i didnt like the rhyme scheme used here but it was an ok little story you told. but like i think you couldve added so much to this.... like i understand you wherever you are and put this shit in her drink right. yall talk and she needs a ride. instead of stoppin at her house you just drive by it. ok that was cool but from there down i think you couldve added more imagery and emotion to it. and i didn't like the ending really. like ok just dug a ditch threw her in it and peaced it. but it wasnt a bad read though.. you got the structure down just need to add more to it ya know. pz and keep writing.

[J. Herra]

i didnt like the rhyme scheme used here but it was an ok little story you told. but like i think you couldve added so much to this.... like i understand you wherever you are and put this shit in her drink right. yall talk and she needs a ride. instead of stoppin at her house you just drive by it. ok that was cool but from there down i think you couldve added more imagery and emotion to it. and i didn't like the ending really. like ok just dug a ditch threw her in it and peaced it. but it wasnt a bad read though.. you got the structure down just need to add more to it ya know. pz and keep writing.

if you listen to stay wide awake by eminem, the A, A, B - C, C, B scheme might make more sense, or at least provide a tempo for it. Otherwise, I understand that it's a little weird to follow without. I think the ending could use a little refining. Truth be told, I might just pick up where i left off (diff. rhyme scheme though) and drop another, more complete piece that continues the journey.

[143]

the skeme was too repetitive that it almost became mondane....if you had broken up some of the wordlfow it probally sound better..no diss..your idea was good but the flow and the repetition killed it...

[Quantum]

hahahaa...this was funny in a twisted way. The rhyme scheme flowed like a treat for me, kinda limerick/nursery rhymeish but for this type of topic it suited it well, i can imagine this being an interlude on an album, one minute drop kinda done in a manic sing song way. Thought it was a funny, cohesive, sick (literal and figurative) drop and the flow was ill. Oh and to me, in my twisted head, since i was seeing it as a interlude/mini track -the ending worked perfectly.
pce

[Cody Nash]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...037/index.html
SS finals champ match verse^^ come peep it..




aiight, soo.. it's a slightly comical read.. nothing original about it though, 'cause many a time have I seen people write about this type of thing in horrorcore raps on and off the site.. your scheme was awkward imo. could've been more polished. it read off sort've like a nursery rhyme rather than a rap lol. like "jack and jill, went up the hill.. to get a pail of water!" type shit. it had an odd stop and go pace to it that I'm not quite sure if I was feelin or not.. could've been more polished.. all I'm saying.


you show a lot of potential.. you at least know what a scheme is. and your vocabulary/wording isn't too shabby either.. you just need to fix that scheme, chop it down and change it up a bit.. pick more original concepts to write about as well and you'll be golden.

[Tein]

damn dude.... fucking murked this shit man ROFL... i was starting to get disgusted picturing you actually living this out... this is only a fictional story... right? well anyways haha... rape isn't all that cool... but this shit totally fuckin owned man... wicked and straight out disgusting... when she woke up what came to my mind was the gingerbread man from shrek on the baking pan... "your a monster" haha... fuck really it was overall pretty nice... good flow and the concept was slick as fuck... not something i would normally try to do... or rap about at that but fo sho it was nice... elevate... one.

[The Incredible Hulk]

My demons know, you're breathin' slow, you never see me coming
Forgot to think to watch your drink, so I think that I'll add something
I observe you sip, girl, perch those lips, you're making my job easy
You start to spin, I start to grin, and still you haven't seen me
^nice opening,well written,i LIKE this rhyme scheme...
You take a seat, right next to me, now you're all but gift wrapped
You say hello, but say it slow, your minds not even in tact
I work my charm, there's no alarm, I'm more than you can handle
More beautiful than usual, what an addition to my mantle
^lol....this sounds evil,like you were doing it and thinking about her as a matle piece
You need a ride, and I'm your guy, you're oh so unsuspecting
You're blackin' out, I pass your house, and now my palms are sweating
We're speeding now, I'm wheezing now, this rush is overwhelming
I reach the spot, the seats then drop, we're about to do some bending
What happens next, I force the sex, this ain't a happy ending
^lol...this is starting to get abit sick,but good description of what you're doing
My precious dove, oh I'm in love, shit she's waking while I'm on her
She reaches out, she screams and shouts, and yells that I'm a monster
My hardest grip, she starts to slip, I squeeze and break her neck line
I dig a ditch, just leave this bitch, and up the dosage next time
^lmao at the ending,well written last 2 bars again..

I thought this piece was a good read,it was a change from most,and i liked the rhyme scheme,i think you should stick with it,as i'd definitely read more if its written like this...
even though the subject is abit sick,it is just fictional afterall,unless you're speaking from experience,then i hope you die..

good points :

*rhyme scheme
*flow
*descriptive lines

bad points :

*sick subject....lol
*the ending came on me abit quick,should have built up to her death a little more,IMO

keep writing,nice piece

[Seyance]

I pretty much agree with what Cry said, shit did get abit boring because you didn't change the rhymescheme up enough.. fairplay you stuck to your solid scheme. But I just think you need to be more creative with it and let it free flow rather than just sticking to it, that's just how I view it.

Part from that, your definitely better at writing than waay back..