The Hunt...

[ItoldUIwasFat]

here you go...i herd everything is played and done before..so if this isnt original i dont know what is...enjoy

The Hunter

Searching, moving swift thru the green leafs…I sense a heart beat…
Ready to pounce, I lay low and wait patiently…for his essence ill eat…
It shows itself not knowing Im near…im death coming for him quick…
My claws will savor its sweet blood… testing it, preparing it for my lips…
My teeth will serve me, picking n ripping thru organs and flesh…
I move slowely…closely approaching my prey n I can smell my dish….

Seeing an opening he turns my way…as if he knows im there…
No matter I stay on my path, knowing his end is so very near…
I JUMP! from the bushes, he RUNS! I give chase try and keep pace…
He knows death is chasin so he runs faster…I chase harder making it a race…
Losing strength in sweat my foreheads a cost…So close I see the glare set eyes…
Jump on his chest…sink wounds through flesh set mood soon for demise…

The hunted

(panting) im out of air…to escape I tried my best…
What provoked this unexpected attack that shall lead to my imminent death?...
As I lay, with the feeling of sharp teeth gnawing my flesh…
Knowing at any second now…ill be inhaling my last breath…
My skin rips & the blood drips…along with it, questions with no replies…
I look off deep into the bush notice my offspring’s terrified eyes…

My vision fades but the excruciating pain stains, I now know there will be no escape…
The venomous attacker, this jacker will be thorough till off my bones, the last of meat is scraped…
Thru the last faint strain of my optics I see that his paw is raised…
The bashing of my skull with his last thrust will signal the end of my days…

The Witness

The screaming where does it come from? In a flash the predator gave chase…
It was a mile long sprint for survival..it appeared but feet from the striking base…
Another howl of terror as offspring run without cause without realizing an instinct…
With razor teeth, one claw held the prey still…while the other kills with ease n sync..
My spine began to shutter as I began to think…what if this was me? …
Then I payed the horror no mind..put it behind nibbling grass from this tree…

In the distance I am to witness the cycle of life as I gnaw on grass blades…
If only my voice reached the prey…but I stay on the cool side of the shade….
Glance over see the prey lift its head…so I pray to blind him from impending gore…
Minding my own business predicting what was in store? ...i had to ignore…




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...322/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...403/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...394/index.html

[QwarterZ]

This was actually purdy dope man, I like the topic
plus the way you branched it off, I've seen that done
but the multiple perspectives is nice, really kept the piece moving
your lines are reeeeeeeeally stretched out tho', but that's cool
it reads like a story which it is, but having that whole vibe is dope
I'm diggin' some of the words you used, very nicely done and put
I say you shoulda had another perspective tho, it's like scenes
like if you was sitting in a opera house or something you need a climax
your ending was cool, but it shoulda came together stronger
the twist is good tho', either way dope piece overall man, keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!


yes....I am on top of my feeding game lulz

[ItoldUIwasFat]

can i get some feed back....

[ItoldUIwasFat]

dam can i get some love plz...even tough love...lol

[ItoldUIwasFat]

one more up since its second to last...

[theSMURF]

The liney are wayyyyy too stretched out. It makes it really hard to read. Stories not bad just shorten up the lines since your using single syllable rhymes a lot. try using some multis too

[Tool]

I liked the idea or the concept you tried to do here, I'd venture to say it has been done before but this was still relatively fresh...

...nothing ground-breaking or astounding though.

The idea of the three perspectives upon one event WAS a good one, and you did well to try and reprise content between the three - that was important.

I'm not going to pick out parts I liked or disliked esp. - most the drop was in a similar vein, i wasn't a huge fan on some of the wordchoices because ti felt like you were trying to hard, that AND using words like "excruciating" before you can consitently rhyme something higher (or even equal to) dual-syllabics seems misguided.

Technique (or lyricism) is something you should focus on, lean up your work a bit (try some shorter lines) and embedd internal schemes and try and expand your implement your multis - try your best not to force it though, when you can rhyme like that comfortable and something close to organic, and you use a decent idea like this; you will prolly have a good if not dope piece on your hands.

Anyway, keep wordsmithing.

Feed returned.

[Half-Eye]

Pretty good, i liked the concept. I liked the hunter part more. But yeh like theSMURF said, try to not sretch ur lines as much.