A single water drop

[Moonkloud]

Im like a hit man for the mob when im on the microphone
Hard as a rock when im popin off the dome
Aint no ammo needed i got angels fillin clips
40 cal if i need it with fmj on the tips

Check your ass left and write leave you bumped and bruised
If you missed what happen just turn on the news
Thats write im talkin Left u in the cold till u turn to blues
While im heating up the club strait blown da fuze

I come threw with a chop n stop leave that shit popin
Like a single water drop in the pond of your pawnshoppin
Come strait for your crew cure your thirst better then mountain dew
Got u stuck to my beat like a bug smelling glue

Better look both ways before crossing to my side of the street
Just stay over there and wave your white flag in defeat
Its ok i wont tell your friends or blow up your face book
I just leave u in the dust holding your teddy bear feeling shook…

This is my second piece ive posted. My first was more of a Old School Rap. This one is a more modern piece taking more freedom with the structure and my use of Poetic Devices.. If you havent viewed that piece and would like to for contrast i would like to encourage u to take a look. Enjoy...

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...120/index.html

As is customary
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...254/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...246/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...215/index.html

[Northern Beggar]

hey moonkloud, thanks for the feed, bruh. i'm here to return the favor.


I like the flow of this piece. It seemed like it would be easy to to spit to on a beat. As far as the lyrical content, it's ur prerequisite braggadocio piece so i will review it they way it was written. I feel u need to be a little bit clever with the lines. Especially in text, where heads will really read what ur saying, u have to come with more clever stuff. Also try to utilize some multies as oppose to just multisyllabic endrhyming which u did pretty well. Other than that, good shit man. keep elevating. deuces.

[143]

This is cool as far as the flow and structure go. I don't see the poeticness to it other than the structure. The content was basic and that is the downfall to braggadocio pieces. You have to come with some off the wall monkey shit writing this type which is hard to do because everyone on OM has braggadocio piece and it tends to be gansterish. If there was some deeper wordplay and internals, this would have been stellar. No diss to your work but you tried a hard topic to shine on because we all have seen the many ways to shoot a gun or get money.....But I know you got talent so I'm looking for some more drop of yours.

[Moonkloud]

Wow u guys are giving me some great advice.

Hmm im going to be looking into how i approach things with my multis and focus on more poetic device content as well. Im going to continue to search for more deeper content and material then ur strait braggadocio or trash talk concepts.

Northern Beggar - Thanks fur lettin me know ya feel my flow. That helps alot to know im on point with stuff. Its good to have u mention a need for more multis. Great to have others show u where u leave a vacuum of potential poetic influence..

143 - I appriciate the input here. I did pick a hard topic to challenge myself so i could more accurately compare it to what i listen to regularly. Which in todays world can only go do far so far since music trends shift rapidly. Ive been focusing on structure allot its nice to know thats workin but i dont want it to be that obvious. I will be turning my attention to more lyrical topicality as well my use of multis, word play and internals.

When people listen to my music i want them to forget their listening and become included and emotionally involved in some way.. Anything that reminds them that a radio is playing or that their even listening to music is a distraction..

When the song is done i want to make sure, that beat and those rhymes dont leave their head. Like a chant or mnemonic. To leave them thinking...

Fuck ima go start right now thanks u guys !